This is how I feel. A man full of rage.Look, I'm starting to understand the Unabomber. The hatred of modern society, with its fancy shmancy doo-dads and gadgets. Red tape. Small minded administrators.
Here's a picture
Let's do an hour by hour analysis of the day.
12:14 am: Bob drives us home from a roadside tavern in Sherman, Illinois. We went to see if I anyone I knew growing up in Sherman was the kind of person who frequented run-down dives. They weren't.
7:37 am: Wake-up. Slight headache. Realize I need to call "Dan" about his '96 Jetta. Dan lives 30 miles south of Springfield in Virden. He's a fireman, so he told me to call him at 7:30 am about the car. Dan wants 1,950 dollars for the vehicle. Bob and I test-drove the car yesterday with permission from Tammy, Dan's wife. She was extremely un-smileful. I need to return the PT Cruiser to Enterprise Rental by 8:30 am, get a cash advance from the Chase bank, then have Uncle Mike drive me to Virden, haggle over the car, buy the car, drive back to Springfield, pick up Liability Insurance from Triple A, and watch the Wisconsin-Illinois football game.
8:30 am: Bob and I follow Mike in his Buick Century to Enterprise, just down the highway. Mike drives faster than me. We have no problems. I explain to Mike how the key-drop system works. I'm feeling good. I have no need to end lives and break necks.
9:05 am: We enter the Chase bank. I ask for a cash advance of 2,000 dollars. It takes five minutes before Lila informs me the transaction is declined. She tells me to take my card over to Morgan. Mike laughs. Someone asks Bob about his camera.
9:08 am: Morgan calls Chase. Chase tells them they stopped the transaction for security reasons. This level of security makes me feel safe and protected, knowing Chase cares about me. I want to ask Chase to begin Freudian therapy, take our relationship to the next level.
9:12 am: Cash advance is mine. The tellers ask Bob and I about our documentary. Everyone is smiling. I have twenty 100 dollar bills in my pocket. Mike and I debate how to show Dan my money. Mike is convinced Dan will bring down his price once he sees my roll.
9:13 am: Mike coaches me again on the finer points of haggling over the car. I'm supposed to offer 1,500 dollars in cash, right away, then talk about the battery, the timing belts, and the tires. I say, "Should I ask about the catalytic converter or the Flux Capacitor?" Not funny. We get in the car. Uncle Mike as a GPS gizmo in his car. I enter Dan's address into it. Immediately, the gizmo speaks to us in that quasi-seductive female computer voice, telling us where to drive, no matter where we are, to find Virden.
9:14 am: I call Dan. He drops the bombshell. "Oh man," he says, "I'm not home right now. I'm in Raymond, and oh yeah, I forget the bank still has my title. I mean, the car is paid off and all, but the bank forget to send me the title. They won't even be open until Tuesday." I tell Dan I'll all him back. Mike and Bob and I drive aimlessly around debating what to do. The GPS keeps telling us where to drive. Linda calls from work. Mike tells me not to worry. "I can find a car in fifteen minutes if I have to. There's ALWAYS a better deal. We'll find it. Just relax! I can tell you're uptight about the whole ordeal. Is it because you're from New York?" His confidence is very reassuring to me. I figure I'm uptight because its in my blood. From my mother's side. We're uptight people. Hot blooded. We're ARABS! We love life! We're more suited to betting on racehorses, playing cards, starting Jihads. Mike is from Springfield. He was in the Marines. He reads Consumer Reports the way Southerners read the Bible. He'll have Bob and I driving off the lot in a Caddy in no time. Mike says, "If your dad knew I was driving you around like this he probably wouldn't speak to me for a year."
9:17-10:55 am: No car. We've been to a dozen dealerships. Mike finds something wrong with each one. One lot was selling an old police cruiser for 1,995 dollars. I want it. Mike and Bob say it's worth 500 dollars. Plus the dealership owner didn't show up for work. The cheapest car at the other eleven lots is $2,995. We give up. Now I've got all this money. I want to return it to Chase. The interest is $30 a month. Mike and Bob say I should keep it in case we see a car in Tennessee. We drive to the bank to turn the $2,000 dollars into traveler's checks. It costs me $20. My mind is going, "This is getting bad. I'm spending money on MONEY."
11:05 am: Mike suggests I call Dan, offer to give him $1,500 dollars, in person today, then pick up the title on Tuesday. If Dan balks, I should offer to "split the difference." Mike asks me if we should pull the car over so I can have some privacy, as if haggling over a car is like taking a leaker in the woods. We pull over. I "haggle." Dan won't budge. Says he's got another buyer. Mike gives me the throat "slash," sign to end the deal. I end the deal. Mike tells me the game has started. "Now I'm dipping into my football time!"
11:05-53 am: Bob and I use the internet to explore train rides, bus rides, plane rides to Liberty Tennessee. Amtrak only goes to Memphis, on the wrong side of the state. Greyhound is 180 dollars for two, and its GREYHOUND. It's like the Modern World doesn't want to go to East Tennessee. I'm sick of hashing out plans B through Q. Suddenly, it dawns on me. I'll check monthly rental rates, since I'm willing to spend $2,000 dollars, and I don't want need a car in NYC, what's the big deal? I call Enterprise. Talk to Jeff. Tell Jeff I just dropped off a PT Cruiser. Tell him I want a month long rate. Jeff sets me up with 721 dollars for one month. And only a $50 drop off fee. PERFECT. I can buy a car later. I'm happy. Mike's happy, "Does that mean you two freeloaders will be gone! YES!" Bob and I are laughing. I ask Bob if he wants to drive a Cadillac around the country. Mike and I are cramming Goldfish and pretzels into our mouths. Bob is recording this moment of sheer triumph.
12:31 pm: We pick out the car from Enterprise. Kia Rondo, which is a tiny SUV. Jeff gives us the compact rate. Jeff is holy.
12: 34 pm: Jeff sees my "license." New York State takes 6 weeks to send out the actual physical plastic card. In the meantime, the NY DMV gives you a paper receipt that is valid for 60 days from the time of the driver's test, which for me would be Oct 30. Jeff worked at the DMV. He KNOWS the rules, but Jeff's coworker, a husky Hawaiian fellow, demands Jeff car the area manager for approval. I'm tempted to say, "Hey, fatty, we don't need to involve area managers." Then Hawaiian dude leaves. Jeff calls.
12:35 pm: Jeff tells me Cathy, the area manager won't let him rent us the car. I tell Jeff we just rented from Enterprise. He says Cathy won't approve it. I ask to speak to Cathy
12:47 pm: After 12 excruciating minutes arguing with the dumbest cunt alive, I'm ready to slit throats. Smoke is coming out of my ears. I call Uncle Mike. He's understanding but peeved. My cell phone dies. The Hawaiian returns. We talk. He apologizes, "See, we just need a valid license." I say, "Look, it's nothing personal, but you really need to stop referring to this receipt as invalid license, okay. This paper and this permit, in tandem, are as valid as Jesus' sandals, in every state in the union." He nods, and I continue. "I could even use these to drive in Puerto Rico, if I so choose. Ask Jeff. He worked at the DMV. the Problem is, Jeff is here behind this desk and Cathy is the Area Manager. I got the wrong combination."
1:09 pm: Jeff drives Bob and I to the airport to check out Budget Rental. He tells he lived in Wyoming until he was 9 and his dad was a disco dancer who in turn put Jeff in dance class, which won him no respect on the kickball field, and now he teaches Latin Ballroom dancing with his girlfriend but he speaks no spanish.
1:27 pm: Avis, Budget, and Hertz are side-by-side. Bob and I ask each for rates. We take Budget. Sandy rents us a car with an ink stain the front seat. Ink gets on Bob's pants.
2:30 pm: Back at Mike and Linda's. Mike spends 3o minutes using every available cleaning agent to get out stain. Nothing works. He tells us to go back. He goes to Grandma Clarke's to help her clean up her place.
3:06 pm: Sandy tell us the stain was probably documented by the service worker. I say, "But you and I didn't do the rental car 'walk-around'. What if someone blames me?" Sandy is overweight and has bad skin, and is clearly angry at the world. She says, "they won't."
5:17 pm: Bob and I are off to say goodbye to Grandma Clarke.
No comments:
Post a Comment